April 2008. Shawn Corey Carter and Beyoncé Giselle Knowles are married in a private ceremony. The details of that ceremony have remained largely hidden…until now. Below is how it went down.
(A large crowd is gathered in St. Cyril’s Church. They stand at rapt attention as the strings start to play, and Beyoncé’s father walks her down the aisle)
Everyone: Gasp!
(Amidst cries of “she’s gorgeous” and moistening eyes, Beyoncé slowly and gracefully makes her way to the altar, finally stopping at the side of her bridesmaids. Father O’Connor, the presiding priest, greets her warmly)
Photographer: (to assistant) Wait, how come she walked down the aisle firs…
(Suddenly, a pipe organ blares the opening notes to ‘Here Comes the Bride’)
Voice: Here…
…comes…
…the…
(A slow beat hits; Jay-Z bursts into the church)
Jay: …groom-to-be, the one y’all came to see/
Rock a tux, wear it hot/
Spit some vows, tie the knot…
Photographer: (whispering) You have got to be kidding me.
Jay: Watch me walk the aisle, makin’ them choir ladies smile/
See Gloria Carter beam with pride/
As her boy takes his bride…
(The maid of honour looks at Beyoncé with concern; Beyoncé rolls her eyes)
Jay: I’d like first to thank y’all for being here today/
For the wedding of the century, no disrespect to Will and Kate/
But your shit’s the Royal Wedding in name alone/
HBO can film us as I whip you in a Game of Thrones/
But today ain’t about whose wedding is better/
And which groom with all his hair makes his lady’s bridesmaids wetter…
(Crowd begins to murmur in disapproval; Jay’s mom lowers and shakes her head)
…Speaking of which, I’d be remiss not to mention/
These four ladies, hot as Hades, making me question my intentions/
At risk of offending her man, my bride and Father O’Connor/
There’s just something ’bout this maid that makes me want to get honor/
And inner/And them dresses, I could only like ‘em more/
If they was lying in a bundle on my jacuzzi room floor/
Hoooooo!
Bridesmaid: Pig.
Father O’Connor: (makes sign of the cross)
Beyoncé: (closes eyes and takes deep, patient breath)
Jay: But enough about the ladies, let me turn to my fellas/
Looking so fresh and clean they almost makin’ Jay jealous/
I say ‘almost’ because, let’s be realistic/
I’m like a bacon-wrapped filet next to your meal of old fish sticks
Groomsman: C’mon, man…
Jay: Now I don’t meant to boast, but you know if I don’t brag/
You clowns’ll act like I forgot how you fucked up my stag/
Bad enough you had us paintballing in freezing rain/
But then you stick me on a team with cross-eyed cousin Shane?/
Swear to god, I said “Shane, cover me while I run to that shed”/
Private Walleye-Vision said “okay” and then put three in my head
So now I got a headache and a cold, but that don’t even compare/
To the costume that you twisted freaks picked for me to wear/
You know the damage that you do to the Jay-Z branding/
When you walk me in the club dressed as Little Orphan Annie?/
People pulling at my wig, ladies lifting up my skirt/
Size seven ladies shoes making my size thirteens hurt/
And while I’m standing at the bar, already feeling self-conscious/
That wise-ass little DJ goes right ahead and launches/
Into “Hard Knock Life”, and everybody starts laughin’/
Swear I’m going to buy that club and bring a whole new staff in/
Then when it finally comes time to take it to the strippers/
You dumbshits choose a club goes by the name of Zippers?…
Best Man: (nervous) You gonna do this now, man?
Jay: …In regards to matters homo, what Jay isn’t is phobic/
But what I don’t want to see when a stripper disrobes? Dick/
Can’t believe what I’m sayin’ even needs to be said/
But if you ain’t sure the gender of the benders, then please, phone ahead…
Best Man: (head in hand)
Crowd: (muttering loudly)
Old Aunt In The Back: (faints)
Jay: …Alright, enough with you guys, I’m getting off topic/
We’re here to shoot the next scene in the Jay-Z biopic/
The biggest mack in the game settles down to take a wife/
And she’s the hottest thing any y’all seen in your life…
Beyoncé: (glares at Jay-Z)
Jay: B, you’re the reason that I wake up every morning/
And not just because you kick me to stop me from snoring/
You were like a bolt to my heart that struck without warning/
You mean more to me than a kidney means to Alonzo Mourning
Beyoncé: (smiles wearily)
Bridesmaids: Awwww…
Jay: And yeah, I’ll still talk about banging others in my lyrics/
But I’m just a dog in my words, I’m true in body and spirit/
And it’s gonna be that way til the end of our days/
How does Jay love thee? Lemme count the ways/
Love that wedding dress and the way that you wear it/
Love that mean-a Serena ass and the way that you bear it/
Love the billion in our bank, and how we gonna share it/
Shit, even our wedding cake is 24 Carrot…
Beyoncé: (smiles warmly)
Jay: …Love you more than Kirstie Alley loves them apple fritters/
Love you more than black folks love Trending Topics on Twitter/
You’re the only girl on earth that can still give me the jitters/
So glad you’re my Best in Show bitch and you’ll be giving me my litter
Beyoncé: (pauses; shrugs)
Groomsmen: (slowly start moving to beat)
Father O’Connor: (grabs rosary)
Jay: Speaking of which, let’s talk about tonight/
Now that our single ways have left, our congress is my right/
And excuse me for the crude innuendo/
But I plan to stick my cartridge into your Nintendo/
And you can blow on it if it has trouble getting goin’/
Make that red light stop flashin’, and get it constant glowin’…
Congregation: (starts bobbing heads)
Bridesmaids: (start bumping hips with groomsmen)
Old Uncle In The Back: (faints)
Jay: …And that’s when things are really gonna get wild/
And we won’t stop until you drop our little Destiny’s Child/
Matter of fact, let’s not wait any longer/
Let’s bounce like this is Edmonton, and we is Chris Pronger/
Jump in my ride, by my side, that’s how forever it will be/
Now that you’ve dropped the ‘Knowles’, and become Beyoncé-Z…
Congregation: (jumping up) HOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jay: I do! She do! And we out! Peace!
(Jay hurriedly leads Beyoncé out of the church; she tosses her bouquet to the congregation on the way out before they jump in his car and squeal away)
Congregation: (smiling, dancing in the aisles)
Father O’Connor: (leans over to maid of honour) That doesn’t actually count as getting married, you know.
Maid of Honour: I’m more confused about how he knows about Will and Kate when it’s only 2008.
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